Balian’s Worldview

Many people know me and have known me for many years. I’m not always sure what they think about me, but I think of myself as a pretty decent person, even though some may say that’s merely me being modest. I have to say that in no way am I my perfect or ideal self just yet. I’m still haunted by things that were and things that might have been. The future plays out in some of my dreams and day dreams, but it is–by nature–uncertain.

Regardless of such, there are some elements of my life I view as eternal. There are some who have had integral parts of my past, and without them, I might not be who I am. There are some people whose memories I consider to eternally be a part of who I am. Ironically, they’re all women.

The first is Tifa, the Bahrainian girl I met online who inspired me and believed in me to no bounds. To her friendly–almost older sisterly–love I am forever indebted. Her message to me was to always be true to myself and believe in who I am. Thank you for all you have done for me. I only wish I could have met you in person just once to tell  you how much you mean to me. Perhaps in the future I will be able to.

The second person who is of tremendous significance to me is a girl I met while in Japan. For some years she and I were very close–best friends. Throughout all the time I’ve known her, she has taught me much about friendship–the ups and lows. She taught me how friendships could and should be. I also learned–and I’m sure she learned this, too–that things such as fear and mistrust can ruin friendships, too. Though our friendship ended, her memory has always been a part of me, and even now I would love nothing more than to be at her side. She was my gift and my curse–the same as Peter Parker’s abilities were to him. The way our relationship ended is what I still consider to be my greatest failure, even though it was two years or so ago.

 This is the first time I have told this story other than to my friends Yuta and Cameron recently. I’ve been too ashamed of what happened to tell anyone else, but I feel it’s time to let it out.

 They say friends are made by many acts and lost by one. For Aki and me, this was true. Each time I left Japan, she and I ended on bad terms only to make amends afterwards. What happened the second time we went our separate ways and when our friendship ended was due to both our failings. At first I considered the failings solely mine and grieved my loss terribly, but now I understand what happened more fully.  That summer Aki invited me to stay with her and her family for a month because she and I had not seen each other for years. We’d talked online, but that was it. I had to say I would have worked all year just for that one chance to see her again.

Things began well enough. She worked two jobs and so was hardly home. I had to enjoy myself with her mother and older brother, who I could tell didn’t like me a lot. Aki and I would enjoy each other’s company when she returned home if she had the energy. Things stayed well for quite some time. I am saddened to admit that in hindsight I didn’t treat her and her family with the utmost respect. I was happy to be with them, but in my mind, the host is supposed to treat his guest like a sultan. That’s what I heard the relationship was and so expected as such. That’s not the way things really are, I learned. That’s how I’ll be to any future guests I have, though. For me now, I understand more fully the equivalent exchange that must go on with both parties and thus I should be a better guest to any future hosts.

 The paradise ended when Aki was tired from a long day at work. Perhaps I was too misunderstanding of her. I asked her to spend time with me instead of letting her rest. I made things worse when I realised I would make her mother upset by something. Instead of translating the phrase into it’s Japanese equivalent, I directly translated the English phrase “you’re mother’s gonna kill me, but…”

 At that they felt insulted and stormed out of the room. I apologised as best I could, but they didn’t believe me. I grew fearful that they might not want to see me again and thought it would be best for me to leave. Unfortunately, my suitcase was where the others were, and I was too afraid to go near them.

I didn’t want to face their hatred, so I fled into the night. I roamed all over the city and came eventually back to the nearest train station where I slept that night. I agonized over what I had done all the next day and came to the conclusion that I had to take responsibility for what I had done. I decided to return–despite the fact that I was still afraid of their reaction–and try my best to explain myself to regain their favour.

It didn’t work out anything like I had hoped. They were furious and refused to listen to me. I wanted to die. My best friend was lost, and it was all due to my stupidity and fear. I would have done anything to redeem myself to them. Had they asked me to be their servant, I would have gladly done so, but it was too late.

Aki, I’m terribly sorry for what I did that night. I should have controlled myself more instead of making you so angry and worry so much for me. I want you to know that even now, I would be happy merely to be at your side and to have us be friends again. That is one of my hopes for the future, even though I know it might not ever happen. And worse, even if we were to meet again, I wonder if our pride would cause us to argue again. I have never forgotten my time with you. You have always remained an important part of my history, and it’s doubtful I’ll be able to forget you no matter what would happen.

I can only say I’m sorry for what happened and ask for your forgiveness. I can only do that and wish that somehow someday you’ll fully attain the happiness you deserve.

I’m sorry for what I have done. I will never again let my fear control me. Never again will I flee like a coward before his fears. I’ve learned my lesson. Thank you for all the time you were my friend. Thank you for all the kindness you bestowed upon me. One day, if possible, I’ll be more than happy to repay it. Until then, know that you are forever in my heart and my thoughts, my dearly beloved friend.

How would I describe myself? Mature, wise, and somewhat more experienced than most people my age. That’s not just me saying that, though. I’ve been told many times by other people–some of them much older than I am–that I show maturity and wisdom far beyond my years. What gets me, though, is that they say it like I’m some sort of oddity. They then go on to say that most people my age are quite immature. When I hear that I think, “Are all 20-somethings supposed to be childish or something?” I live in a college town and quite close to campus, and it is a fact that most–okay, nearly all–of the college students my age or close to it have the maturity level of a high school sophomore coupled with less than basic intelligence. This is Alabama, though, and I have long said, “Just because you’re in college, it doesn’t mean you’re smart.” But is it so unusual for someone my age to be mature? I wouldn’t think so, but everyone around me comments on it like I’m some sort of natural oddity or something. Does not independence from parents and the burden of classes and responsibilities create maturity and a sense of obligation? I don’t know. I thought it did. But then again, just when I begin to think that maybe there is a thread of intelligence out there at the University of Alabama, I see throngs of wasted idiots screaming, “Roll tide! Roll Tide!” at the top of their lungs as if it’s the only thing that really matters and saying it will make you the coolest guy around. I even have a gay friend who’s about as mature as a 15-year-old cheerleader. I hope I didn’t offend any 15-year-old cheerleaders out there. Someone please tell me that maturity isn’t supposed to be something one gains around age 30 and that 20-somethings aren’t supposed to be all drunken idiots clinging to mommy or daddy to pay all the bills. If that’s true, the world just grew a bit more dim in my eyes.

Yesterday was a first for me. My first SSBM tournament after years of malpractice. What a foolish decision it seems upon hindsight, but it was actually pretty fun. The entry fee was $5–my last $5, mind you. I went in expecting to place at least 3rd place even though I hadn’t played the game in years. Of course I failed in the second round. I didn’t win a single game during the actual tournament, though I tried my best. I did win at least two games, though. I lost several others. I was greatly disappointed when even the computer beat me one time when I was practicing. At least I had fun playing with others. Now I realize I have a lot to do before I’m ready to try my hand at another tournament, which might not come around for a long time considering the school year is over and I’d have to wait until the next school year starts before another tournament is organized. That gives me plenty of time to practice and learn new techniques, which it seemed everyone else was already a master at. Well, at least I got to see how other, more advanced players handle the game. I was quite surprised. The main characters used were the ones who had big advantages over my character. So then, who did I use? Link. Who did almost everyone else use? Fox and Falco primarily. Capt. Falcon also saw a lot of use. What surprised me was that I spent the whole day getting my butt kicked by Fox and Falco only to be defeated in the tournament by Sheik and Ganondorf. I need a lot of practice. At least I wasn’t the only one to do so poorly. The guys from my old SSBM days from Paty Hall got “smashed”, too. Like me they were some of the top players when our group met regularly every week for our Smash Fest back when Burt was my RA. And like me they haven’t played in years, although one of them started playing again months ago. I didn’t start playing again until I heard about the second tournament this semester and started practicing the night before. If only I had someone to play against, I’d probably get better quickly. It’ll be a while before I’m up to par with those guys in the tournamet, though. At least it was fun. The organizer said SSBM players are social (unlike me usually), friendly, and always up for a fight. I made the comparison with pokemon, in which trainers are friendly and always up for a battle. I can’t wait for the next tournament, as long as I get some more experience and training in first. One more thing is certain: My thumb needs several days rest.